it's not you it's me

today during carline i saw rex's 2 year old sister junie

junie: what's your name?

me: i'm nicole, what's your name?

junie: junie

junie: how old are you? are you 6?

me: hmmm..i'm a little older than 6

rex: she's 30

i guess when you're 2, 6 is pretty old

---

i have noticed that my patience is getting shorter and shorter these past couple of days

i would like to say it's a monthly woman thing but i don't really think so

sad to say i am slowly falling out of love

----

spring come soon

we need your warmth

2011

----

"they don't love you like i love you"

yeah yeah yeahs, maps

be still my heart

vanana yogurt + blueberries = nicole a very happy camper

----

once again i'm in love

i don't know if my heart could take it

be still my heart

first the tangerines and now the succulent blueberries

oh i know i will dream about you tonight

---

i am thankful for my busy schedule this week

because you know what they say, an idle mind breeds very dangerous thoughts

---

"And so the shattering shards of glass fell,
And glistened this way and that,
But she would say I won't find my way through the plaster;
I'm an empty hourglass in the sand,

But she loves me,
More than anyone who wouldn't speak like that.
She keeps mace spray,
For you can't rely on the common man"

-mace spray, the jezabels

a ray hope

stop haunting my dreams please

thailand 2010

--

i am not looking forward to next week

i know i should be doing some work but i am not in the mood

tomorrow i promise, i will chain myself in front of my laptop and work, work, work

---

you sort of renewed my faith in mankind

but i still have my doubts

don't get me wrong i really appreciate it

let's just hope things will get better.

---

watching garden state right now

oh the memories

---

on repeat

---

reunited

my new best friends

heine and squiddy

---

thank you for coming through

:)

sending out an S.O.S.

right now i am trying out the power of mental telepathy

to the person i am trying to communicate you better deliver

the reputation of mankind is in your hands

i'm afraid if you disappoint me i would tear my hair out and curse the heavens

and i will be never be the same again

oh boy, i thought i was ready for this (apparently not)

*sending*

---

i have always loved the postal service's song - such great heights but this morning i really listened to the lyrics and i didn't realize how beautifully written the song was.

"I am thinking it's a sign

That the freckles in our eyes are mirror images

And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned

I have to speculate

That God himself did make

Us into corresponding shapes

Like puzzle pieces from the clay"

freckles will never be the same for me, because of this song i would always think of them as constellations.

----

once again i need a stiff drink

i can't wait for this week to be over

i am so over teaching...

----

feeling homesick

so i opened a can

and had a little taste of home

falling off the wagon

i have been unfaithful and for that i am sorry

vanana yogurt you still make my heart go boom boom boom

---

my children make me want to drink- A LOT

i think i jinxed it because last week i told my supervisor how happy i am that the class has finally settled, how hopeful i am and how i am so proud of them

me and my big mouth

today was one of those days that you just want to lock yourself in the bathroom and scream

before i go to bed i will think of unicorns,puppies and rainbows so that tomorrow i would have fluff to compensate for all the chaos.

again Lord please give me strength.

----

on a very weird note, this morning while at work i felt very sick so i ran to the bathroom and threw up

i think that was a sign that today was going to be a challenge

very strange, indeed

my friend joked that i might be pregnant

yeah right and i am maria montessori.

sweet dreams...

----

once again, i heard a song that made me miss the chikiting patrol

let's go back to 1998

back in the day when we would pile up in hannah's car and drive around the city

no bills to pay, no meetings, no retirement funds

no worries.

in the mood for food

my loot

cereal, cereal and more cereal

i got lucky because these cuties are so sweet

everytime i close my eyes and i could just taste them in my mouth

so juicy, so refreshing, so sweet

i have to stop myself from devouring them

i don't know why but i just find myself making these ridiculous poems about fruits

i guess i am in a poetry spewing mood

time seems to be standing still...

i am waiting

i am hoping

please, please, please...

----

while going to work i heard live's lightning crashes the radio

took me back...

for old time's sake here it is...

great expectations

thank you sun...

2011

---

i am feeling hopeful but i know i shouldn't be.

it's like watching a car wreck, you know it's going to be ugly but you still look at it

when will you ever learn nicole?

i am scared to death

and yet i can't stop smiling...

God help me, i am going for the gold.

---

mortimer

my little mortimer in action

december 2010

just perm-tastic

in my life, i believe i have very few regrets.

i always lived by my personal mantra: no regrets

however these past couple of weeks i realized that recently, more precisely 6 months ago i made a very rash decision that resulted to this journey of self discovery. after months and months of making excuses i finally admitted to myself that i regret having my hair PERMED! i truly and utterly regret it. i miss my old, wavy, unruly yet manageable hair. i miss it so much that i look at pictures taken before perming (or B.P.) and just ache. my heart aches for straight hair. i tried cutting it but then the blasted curls just cling, like pond scum. i might take drastic measures and just cut my hair really, really short but i am still gathering the courage. anyway i just wanted to get it out of my chest. i HATE walking around like an english sheepdog with matted hair. so while i'm still thinking of a solution on how to solve this problem i guess i would just have to get used to seeing one giant hairball looking back at me every morning.

----

in between blinks

the mckinley neighborhood

2011

"Running from the street lights
Shinning on the grave
Once you've had the good stuff
Never gonna fill you up
I wanna be the one who
Gives em all the world
And gives em all a feel of it
Just a little taste of it"

-kings of leon, the end

i think i need to run

today sacramento skies were overcast and gray but much warmer
although i did see a little splash of color on the sidewalk, i wonder what happened to the owner of this pair?

while walking i saw:

two old ladies holding hands - finding true love at last?
a huge labrador biting on a soccer ball crossing the street - interesting?
empty egg shells under the bridge - must have been hungry

p.s. i need to stop watching confessions: animal hoarding
p.p.s. back to work tomorrow, oh Lord please give me strength

-------

ode to my tomato

oh such a lovely tomato!
so plump and juicy it felt like a crime chopping you up
now you are swimming in the pot, bubbling and boiling
my plump juicy tomato

KOL

"i won't ever be your cornerstone"
i have been listening to their new album over and over again
and now i am craving cigarettes

oddities

wonder twins

december 2010

----

hello 2011

the jury is still out on you...

i am not so keen about odd numbered years, i don't know why, but odd numbers just seem to be...well....odd

i did not go to work today, i didn't expect to get sick this early in the year. it's been quite cold here in sacramento no to mention i deal with germ carriers (a.k.a. children) every day

when you're sick you miss you family even more.

what i wouldn't give for someone to make soup for me.

wishful thinking

i want to lie down on the grass and look at the clouds

--

on a different note

i need to make a list of all the lists that i should make

am i making sense?

it's beginning to feel like panic

uh oh i got carried away

i guess it's curry for lunch and dinner until the 22nd

---

rex: salvador don't step on my paper you'll damage it!

sal: things don't get damaged, only people get damaged

you dig?

--

i hear jingle bells and frosty the snowman everywhere i go, when i take a shower, when i am about to sleep, when i am walking let's just say i can't wait for this week to be over.

---

i should have a to do list...

i have been running around trying to get stuff done

practicing for our holiday program, baking cookies for our tea and sing, making ornaments with the children, coordinating with my room parent, decorating our classroom, finding time to finish our vegetable garden, praying every night that when i wake up my class will be normalized, getting ready for my trip back home and the list goes on and on. here i was complaining that i didn't have anything to do, i know better now, i should have kept my mouth shut, 2 more weeks 'til i can exhale.

*breathe*

today's highlight: visiting ranch 99 (an asian grocery store), oh strange smells how i've missed you!

-----

"i am thankful for the sun because it turns the nighttime in to morning"

-aidan, 5

---

on rotation: two door cinema club

when i listen to them i feel: like dancing

"Let's make this happen, girl you gonna show the world that something good can work and it can work for you.
And you know that it will.
Let's get this started girl, we're moving up we're moving up It's been alot to change but you will always get what you want.
Took a little time to make it a little better,
it's only going out, just one thing and another,
you know! "

something good can work, two door cinema club

in pixels

snap..click...flash

"Someday you'll find me standing in your path
Somewhere deep in the background of some photograph
And you'll see your name scrawled across the overpass"

across the overpass, the solids

--

once again i found myself walking

i was listening to matt pond pa's city song

humming to myself: "in the city you must make yourself light, in the city you don't have to decide sometimes check yourself make sure you're alive"

it was a windy day, leaves swirling around me, my cheeks were ruddy

walking around with a smile on my face

fall has always been my friend

a little bit of this and that...

1 chicken sandwich and a handful of chicken nuggets later i am feeling happy, thank you chick-fil-a for making my friday deeeeelightful

i miss my straight hair, i am a walking hairball, all tangled up and clumped together.

passion pit rocks my socks off

itchy throat, stuffy nose, my dear bed, tomorrow i'm afraid that it's just going to be you, me , a handful of pills, a good book and a bottle of orange juice.

have a nice weekend...

----

flying high

2010

---

There's something else
I thought about
The universe
When it's merciful

How should I know
After wringing out my memory
And all that my hands send away
Oh, riffling for a stem to find an answer I knew

kansai, ra ra riot

i've been thinking...

vietnam

2010

----

baby brother is getting married while i on the other hand is seriously thinking of getting a bike

time's a changing...

yesterday was a day of reflection, of self realization

i think i am not cut out to be a teacher anymore.

time's a wasting

---

i am listening to arcade fire's wake up while i am typing this up

"children wake up, hold your mistake up

before they turn the summer into dust"

"children don't grow up our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up"

is it speaking to you?

---

religion and the 4 year old mind

a little more and you can touch the sky

penang hill

2010

------

sofia (age 4) does the sign of the cross then she looks at the other children at her table and said that's the only thing God taught her.

religion and kids, that was my monday.

---

"Have I
ever told you before
I think you're beautiful when
you're sleeping?
I have faith you watch me in
my slumber, too.
If I'm
all that you're looking for,
tell me,
why is there a river streaming
down your face?
Sometimes makes me wonder
all about your
love.

After some time
it's something i find true. Love's
not a grave, it won't decay
on you.
Too many days I was afraid
of love."

-love, love, love

as tall as lions

re-discovery

saturday

just watched a documentary about nick drake on tv.

so now i am listening to nick drake while the rain goes "pitter patter" against the window

his music makes me want to take a walk in the rain, it reminds me of chilly october evenings

his songs makes me want to ride a bike

i am feeling nostalgic

----

penang, malaysia

dusk

2010

---

"why you leave me hanging on a star?

when you deem me so high"

"why you leave me sailing in a sea?

when you hear me so clear"

-hanging on a star, nick drake

positivity

phuket

2010

-----

never underestimate the power of kiddie germs. i learned that lesson the hard way on wednesday when i found myself with a temperature of 100 degrees.

overheard last week:

"i had a bagel with a lot of butter

you'll explode if you had that much butter"

salvador, age 4

"my dentist would be mad if i had that kind of breakfast"

sofia, age 4

while waiting for his ride, rex (age 4) looks up at the sky and told me that he loves rain because rain makes the flowers grow.

everyday i hear something new :)

christmas in the philippines -- i can't wait

have a nice weekend.

----

dependency

there is a fine line between chaos and stability and everyday we are treading on it

october 2010

-----

today's highlight: after reluctantly admitting to someone that i am so dependent on my gps and when i finally convinced myself that i can leave it at home and wean myself from it, i MISSED my exit (my biggest fear). but then after a short freak out i managed to find my way through the crazy downtown sacramento streets and made it home safe and sound. hooray for independence!!

---

constant rotation:

oh, la - ra ra riot

"I wouldn't say the word now but this is not what I meant,
For a woman that's fallen over head and ears
And still so warm, but I'm lonely too,
Suddenly she is still and says, "I hope that things will be better here."

Oh la we've got a lot to learn from each other,
We've got to stick together.
Oh la we've got a lot to learn from each other,
We've got to stick together"

it's automatic

this weekend:

i saw a car on fire

i spent most of the time driving and paying tolls on bridges

i had my quota for cheesecakes

i sang songs while driving over the speed limit

right now:

my tv is on mute while i am listening to MGMT's time to pretend

it seems like my neighbor upstairs is doing a construction music

my head hurts from watching french movies all afternoon

i am thinking of pancakes, eggs and bacon

tomorrow:

i will wake up and hit the snooze button twice

i will remember to look at the good in every situation

will be a good day...

------

2010

phuket

------

"This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute."

MGMT, time to pretend

affirmation

mental vacation

phuket, 2010

----

today was a good day and have a 4 year old boy with wild curly hair to thank.

yesterday i found myself questioning my career choice (i seem to do that a lot these days) but seeing a 4 year old just shaking with excitement in the possibility of counting a long chain of beads that are (according to him) is "BIGGER than you nicole, and it's BIGGER than the school" made me so happy that i totally forgot the funk that i was in, that is until another boy locked all the bathrooms from the inside just in time when another boy had to go really bad. i guess you can't have it all...

ra ra riot is my new love

-----

greetings from I Street

hello from another apartment, another address, another zip code

hello fall, summer was nice but it was getting old.

hello sweaters and tights, hello scarves and chilly mornings

hello new neighborhood, walking while listening to good music -- it's been a while since i did that and oh how i miss it

hello new routine, getting up early and trying not to doze off at 8:00 at night to no avail.

hello to listening to ra ra riot, discovery, pinback, kings of leon and mates of state while driving to work

hello feelings of inadequacies, hello to new children who, i hope someday will have a place in my heart.

hello to wishing for great things.

hello inspiration...

------

kuala lumpur

august 2010

----

Outside just killing time and making noise
And outside the daylight comes, the daylight goes and weightless
If its weightless it makes no stairways to stairs that go nowhere
and don’t dream, that is a dream it is what it seems

Climbing from over stimulated states to hearing
Cold radio and licenses plates but don’t dream,
That is a dream it is what it seems
That is a dream it is what it seems

Behind every desire is another one waiting to be liberated when the first ones sated

-weightless, nada surf

sayonara nostalgia

bittersweet
last walk of the year...
061710


buckets and buckets of tears
multiple hugs and "i will miss yous"
6 months from now i will just be a vague memory. miss a---? a teacher from the past that took them for walks, held their hands and read them stories.
"please keep in touch" an empty promise that i know too well.

on a happier note, i am excited for the big change in my life. i feel like the timing is just right. i am nervous and giddy with anticipation at the same time. slowly but surely i feel like i am back to where i was 5 years ago.

homeward bound in 12 days

on repeat: kings of leon and phoenix

----
"i change shapes just to hide in this place but i am still an animal"
miike snow
animal

fast forward in slo mo...

"Let’s get out of this country
I’ll admit I am bored with me
I drowned my sorrows and slept around
When not in body at least in mind
We’ll find a cathedral city
You can convince me I am pretty"

let's get out of this country, camera obscura

---

spending my weekends putting my life (once again) in boxes...

"goodbye is hard, i prefer see you later" - charlie brown

3 more days until school ends, i spend most of my days hugging the children instead of giving lessons. today i was holding back my tears while i was watching them. sentimental is the theme of this month. on the other hand, in less in a month i will be back home. after 4 years i am coming home. excited does not even begin to describe what i am feeling. but until then there are boxes needed to be stuffed, old letters to be thrown out, memories to be made and numerous hugs to be given.

i am officially addicted to glee.

----
asian art museum
april 2010
san francisco

if you look closely, the answer is there...

---

"ben you don't know anything about life!!!"
exclaimed by an exasperated d
5.14.2010

"b, what is life?"
"life is what makes us happy"
5.14.2010

for all the times when we feel like we are cornered
for all those moments when we feel like we are the only ones suffering
for those days and nights when we just want to be alone
for those instances when we just want to scream and holler at the heavens
just remember that life is good, life is what (and it should) makes us happy and even though there are times when we feel like we don't know anything in life rest assured that you are not alone.

"i am happy because you are in this world :)" evie, age 6

---
self portrait
may 2010
<<<<

Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanted
To be haunted

The water is warm
But it’s sending me shivers
A baby is born
Crying out for attention

The memories fade
Like looking through a fogged mirror
Decision to decisions are made
And not bought,
But I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot.
I guess not

-kids, MGMT

follow the arrow...

i have spent too much time worrying about trivial things, waiting for phone calls, second guessing myself and thinking that having someone "special" defines me as a person. this time i can truly say that i am happy with myself, i am satisfied with my life, i am surrounded by people who i love and who loves me back. their love is enough to last me a lifetime. what more could i ask for?

--------
dizzying heights
4//25/10
-------
fools
the don't know
what they're on about
those fools
don't get my dreams

and I want it, I want it, I want it
and I want it, I want it, I want it
all
when you can't wait
to watch me fall
-fools, the temper trap