sayonara nostalgia

bittersweet
last walk of the year...
061710


buckets and buckets of tears
multiple hugs and "i will miss yous"
6 months from now i will just be a vague memory. miss a---? a teacher from the past that took them for walks, held their hands and read them stories.
"please keep in touch" an empty promise that i know too well.

on a happier note, i am excited for the big change in my life. i feel like the timing is just right. i am nervous and giddy with anticipation at the same time. slowly but surely i feel like i am back to where i was 5 years ago.

homeward bound in 12 days

on repeat: kings of leon and phoenix

----
"i change shapes just to hide in this place but i am still an animal"
miike snow
animal

fast forward in slo mo...

"Let’s get out of this country
I’ll admit I am bored with me
I drowned my sorrows and slept around
When not in body at least in mind
We’ll find a cathedral city
You can convince me I am pretty"

let's get out of this country, camera obscura

---

spending my weekends putting my life (once again) in boxes...

"goodbye is hard, i prefer see you later" - charlie brown

3 more days until school ends, i spend most of my days hugging the children instead of giving lessons. today i was holding back my tears while i was watching them. sentimental is the theme of this month. on the other hand, in less in a month i will be back home. after 4 years i am coming home. excited does not even begin to describe what i am feeling. but until then there are boxes needed to be stuffed, old letters to be thrown out, memories to be made and numerous hugs to be given.

i am officially addicted to glee.

----
asian art museum
april 2010
san francisco

if you look closely, the answer is there...

---

"ben you don't know anything about life!!!"
exclaimed by an exasperated d
5.14.2010

"b, what is life?"
"life is what makes us happy"
5.14.2010

for all the times when we feel like we are cornered
for all those moments when we feel like we are the only ones suffering
for those days and nights when we just want to be alone
for those instances when we just want to scream and holler at the heavens
just remember that life is good, life is what (and it should) makes us happy and even though there are times when we feel like we don't know anything in life rest assured that you are not alone.

"i am happy because you are in this world :)" evie, age 6

---
self portrait
may 2010
<<<<

Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanted
To be haunted

The water is warm
But it’s sending me shivers
A baby is born
Crying out for attention

The memories fade
Like looking through a fogged mirror
Decision to decisions are made
And not bought,
But I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot.
I guess not

-kids, MGMT

follow the arrow...

i have spent too much time worrying about trivial things, waiting for phone calls, second guessing myself and thinking that having someone "special" defines me as a person. this time i can truly say that i am happy with myself, i am satisfied with my life, i am surrounded by people who i love and who loves me back. their love is enough to last me a lifetime. what more could i ask for?

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dizzying heights
4//25/10
-------
fools
the don't know
what they're on about
those fools
don't get my dreams

and I want it, I want it, I want it
and I want it, I want it, I want it
all
when you can't wait
to watch me fall
-fools, the temper trap

love letter

good morning
belmont, ca
may 1, 2010

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things that make you go ummm...

"ms. a, can i be your daddy?"
- jonas (3)
( it sounds creepy yet funny at the same time)

after 3 years of teaching in my current school i finally decided to move on. my heart breaks a little every time i think of leaving my children. they drive me crazy sometimes but most of the time i just feel this overwhelming love for them. my class will always have a very special place in my heart. 10, 15, 30 years from now they will still be very dear to me. they were the first group of children i have ever taught in my entire life. they gave me a sense of accomplishment, a taste of what it feels like to be needed and be loved unconditionally. in a sense i needed them more that they needed me. my wish is for them to grow up to be loving, respectful and compassionate adults. i feel happy that in some way or another i have made an impact in their lives. i want them to remember me as someone who made a difference in their lives because they definitely made a difference in mine. they taught me patience, kindness, love and a sense of wonder and for that i am grateful.

after christmas:

julia (6)
"ms a, did you get any presents for christmas?"

me
"umm..no"

julia runs up to me and hugs me very tightly
"now you have 1 present"

love, pass it on...

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"and when i think of you and all the love that's due
i'll make a promise, i'll make a stand
'cause to these big brown eyes
this comes as no surprise
we've got the whole wide world in our hands

advice to the young at heart
soon we will be older
when we're gonna make it work"

advice for the young at heart, tears for fears

in transit

oceania
by: D
san mateo, ca
4/20/10

"I'm in transit
But I'm stranded on this boat
And I pledge myself allegiance
To a better night's sleep at home"

fader, the temper trap

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moving again, hopefully this time it won't be as painful as the previous 9. 10 years, 9 addresses, you do the math.
just when i thought "this could work out, it's not that bad", i find myself thinking...dispose or keep?
boxes, boxes and more boxes
3 posts in a month, my my we are making progress here

sweet disposition

hello,

all day long this has been a constant repeat inside my head. i am reminded of sunny days, road trips and ice cold beer.

also a lovely new discovery. summer is just around the corner :)

simple things like these makes me happy. at this very moment i feel like everything is where it's supposed to be. today is a good day.

i hope you are happy too...

---------

wired
april 2010

a thought bubble

"you can't marry your daddy or your cousin, you should marry a stranger" -Angelina, 5 years old

goofing around
washington, dc 2005
the will to my grace, my spare tire :)

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i have been thinking a lot about the past recently. it's that time of the year when i start listening to 90s rock and reminisce about the past. i find myself reading my old journals before i go to bed. it has been an interesting experience--going back in time. my 30 year old self reading about my 20 year old self's dreams and frustrations, not to mention opinions about love and my future. if i have a chance to meet the younger nicole i would assure her that everything turned out fine and that in the end all those meaningless worries and fears were just that...meaningless. i would also tell her that 30 is not as bad as she might think, yes i still live in an apartment and watch a lot of television, sometimes i eat a cupcake for breakfast or eat cereal for dinner and yes i am still single but i have finally come to accept the fact that it is okay. i would tell her that you will meet a person that would break your heart so bad that all you would want to do is lie in bed and disappear. i would tell her to hug lola 10 times more and tell her i love you instead of i hate you. i would tell her to keep her faith and not be scared to take risks and finally i would give her a big hug and thank her for never giving up hope despite all the curve balls life has thrown at her.

SOS

they say everyday you learn something new. today i learned not to paint my toes while sitting on the floor and putting your red (and I can't emphasize it enough) RED nail polish on top of your laptop because chances are your left hand will knock it over thus spilling RED nail polish on your semi clean white carpet. after the initial panic i then proceeded to pour nail polish remover on the stain and scrubbing it with a paper towel. nail polish remover was not enough i then sprayed bleach and used a sponge to try to get the stain out. Instead of going away the stain became this huge blotchy thing and i think i am a little bit high from the fumes. So now my bedroom looks like a crime scene with a huge red stain on the floor. it looks like i killed a chihuahua while in a drug induced hallucination. no excuse me while i go find something to eat i have a serious case of the munchies. until then...

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"When I get up in the morning, put the kettle on
Make us some coffee, say hey to the sun
Is it enough to write a song, and sing it to the birds
They'd hear just the tune, not understand my love for words
But you would hear me and know...

I want only this
I want to live
I want to live a simple life "

-simple life, the weepies

Hello world how are you today? Been meaning to write but i always end up erasing it. Tired is what i feel...Good night world. I wish you pleasant dreams

the worrywart in me...

summer is finally here...

no more pencils, no more books, no more screaming "no snack for you today!" 3 weeks of pure bliss. i know in the first day i will say to myself "this is great!", and then second day rolls in and i might show some signs of cabin fever, however on the third day i will guarantee you that i will be tearing my hair out bored out of my mind. that is why i stacked up on trashy romance novels, my must have summer reading as well unwatched episodes of my dramas. i feel like i really need this break. for the past couple of weeks i have been missing my old life. i miss living in the city and having my friends around me. i miss the weekends when i would just hop on the bus to go to new york to visit vans, ina and nino. i miss the feeling of walking around my neighborhood and having a cup of coffee after work with my friends. i miss my cramped apartment and its broken elevator. i miss being 25.

my mom had a cancer scare a couple of weeks ago. when she told me about it the first thing that came to my mind was that she will never get to see her grandchildren. of all the things that i can think of i thought of grandchildren i think it is my biological clock ticking loudly. i just remembered standing in front of the sink, washing my plate and sobbing uncontrollably just thinking over and over again that my mom won't live long enough to hug her grandchildren. anyway i haven't told my mom about this i don't know what her reaction will be. i feel that she might be amused as well as a little bit concerned about my feeling pressured to produce an offspring. like is said oh to be 25 again!

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have a great summer!
july 2009

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Show all

sunday.

shoes
new york
2009

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melancholy - it's that feeling you get when you hear a song that makes you want to be 16 again

wistful - that's what i feel when i look at pictures of that certain individual who made me so happy yet so inadequate at the same time. oh to be young and in love

bewildered - after everything that has happened in my life this past year with all the false alarms and the panic i am still where i feel that i am supposed to be. miracles are given is small dozes i suppose.

--------

miss impulsive strikes again...

yesterday while lining up to exchange our cable box i just decided to subscribe to the filipino channel. i finally did it! so now as i am typing this entry i am also watching cheesy starlets singing cheesy pop songs. instead of going out with akiko to meet new people in the city i chose to watch asap and cook while wearing my pajamas.

-------

I have reached an all time low. I am currently using my cellphone to blog while my laptop is in front of me...

a little note to myself

january 3, 2009

this too shall pass...

right now i am just living my life one day at a time. i feel that if i think too much about my future i will just end up feeling frustrated, disappointed and worse a complete and utter failure. i have learned how to accept whatever life throws at me, i am already so battered and bruised that i think one more curve ball won't even make a difference. if this happened to me when i was in my early 20s i don't know what i have done. everyday i am thankful that i have such a supportive and loving family. my friends who are always encouraging me and listening to whatever ramblings i might have. anyway this is not intended as a sad entry but instead a reminder to myself that despite whatever BS i am going through i am still blessed.

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old school
1983

Friday Funday

today at school i gave my camera to two of my children and asked them to take pictures around the playground. the results were amazing, i did not expect them to take such great pictures. today is is just one of those days that you wish would last forever, this beats sitting inside the office 8 hours a day...

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pictures courtesy of kelli (5) and curtis (5)

tire
shoot and run
run

hanging around
nature's jungle gym
crazy teacher who aged 10 years

------------

Freedom

puerto rico
2006

-------

a lot of things were bothering me these past couple of weeks. to say that i was stressed was an understatement. fast forward to today, all those issues have been resolved and now i am somewhat free. now i feel really weird, i am not used to this "freedom". last night i woke up a couple times looking for the familiar knot in the pit of the stomach instead i felt nothing. i have been in an anxiety ridden existence these past couple of months that i forgot how it felt to have a worry-free life. anyway i should not complain but it's just a completely different feeling. i wish my life was a musical so that i could break out into a song and dance routine without looking like a crazy person.

a little ray of sunshine in an otherwise gloomy day:

anna: ms. a do you have a house?
me: yes
anna: do you have parents
me: yes i have parents
anna: what is your mommy's name?
me: tina
anna: what is your daddy's name?
me: ed
me: what is your mommy's name?
anna: she does not have one.

the weekend

flew to DC for the weekend, not a smart move.

i basically did not sleep the entire 4 days so now i feel like i am having an out of body experience. 5 minutes ago i hit my head against the wall thus leaving a lovely bump on my forehead. so now i think i found a cure to exhaustion and that is banging your head against a concrete wall, if that won't wake you up i don't know what else will.

it's weird being in DC. i was gone for almost 2 years but it felt like i've been away for only a week.

i got a little wake up call this weekend. my faith has been tested this past two years, a little incident on friday set me right back on track. there really are angels here on earth.

it's nice to be back in california although i had to convince myself as i was riding the cab to the airport.

today i feel blessed.

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k street, NW
washington, dc
2/15/09
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Spurts

hello blog, hello world it's been a while.

i made a promise at the beginning of 2008. i promised to write more. in retrospect i intended to do it, but the procrastinator in me won (as usual).

ever since i moved to california, i can't seem to write anymore. i don't know if it's the weather, my new lifestyle, my work or too much korean dramas (i blame the dramas and old age).

this year i am turning 29, which is quite an odd year to be at. it's like i'm too old to wear super tight t-shirts yet too young to wear "adult clothes" (i can't give you an example because everytime i think about it pant suits pop in my head). anyway i'm on the brink off my 20s it's a bit scary but last i heard 30 is the new 21 or something like that.

no interesting people and observations to write about. i blame having a car.

miss you lots, i won't make promises to you anymore because i seem to break it all the time. promises, they say are meant to be broken however i feel like a mom who asked you to wait for me at the cereal aisle while i get a shopping cart and never came back because i ran off with my alcoholic boyfriend named leon.

this is a start i suppose...

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getty museum
los angeles, ca

milking it

lunch time, wedensday

miss a: curtis please finish your milk
curtis: i don't want to
miss a: i believe you are 5 now right? so you have to finish your milk
curtis: i want to be 4
miss a: well you still need to drink milk
curtis: i want to be 3
miss a: the more you need to drink milk
curtis: i want to be 10
miss a: you need milk to strengthen your bones
curtis: i want to be 18
miss a: the older you get the more you need calcium for your bones curtis, so please drink your milk
curtis: i want to be a dog
miss a: dogs still need to drink milk
curtis: i want to be a cow
miss a: cows also drink milk, it even comes from them
curtis: *looks around* i want to be a flower
miss a: *taken aback (how do you top that?) ummm... okay go ahead and clean up

*that child should be a lawyer

still life
monterey bay aquarium
2008

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the sweetest thing

mom and pops
carmel by the sea, CA
april 2008

while we were preparing to go for a walk around the neighborhood josh, a 5 year old boy in my class blurted out "Ms. A I wish you had more hands so that you can hold all of our hands". at the end of the day, when i feel like giving up this is what keeps me going.

i am still playing the waiting game...

sorry for the cryptic messages, once everything settles maybe i will be in the mood to explain.

"i'm okay" i have been saying these for the last couple of months and i am starting to believe it.