wishful thinking

i want to lie down on the grass and look at the clouds

--

on a different note

i need to make a list of all the lists that i should make

am i making sense?

it's beginning to feel like panic

uh oh i got carried away

i guess it's curry for lunch and dinner until the 22nd

---

rex: salvador don't step on my paper you'll damage it!

sal: things don't get damaged, only people get damaged

you dig?

--

i hear jingle bells and frosty the snowman everywhere i go, when i take a shower, when i am about to sleep, when i am walking let's just say i can't wait for this week to be over.

---

i should have a to do list...

i have been running around trying to get stuff done

practicing for our holiday program, baking cookies for our tea and sing, making ornaments with the children, coordinating with my room parent, decorating our classroom, finding time to finish our vegetable garden, praying every night that when i wake up my class will be normalized, getting ready for my trip back home and the list goes on and on. here i was complaining that i didn't have anything to do, i know better now, i should have kept my mouth shut, 2 more weeks 'til i can exhale.

*breathe*

today's highlight: visiting ranch 99 (an asian grocery store), oh strange smells how i've missed you!

-----

"i am thankful for the sun because it turns the nighttime in to morning"

-aidan, 5

---

on rotation: two door cinema club

when i listen to them i feel: like dancing

"Let's make this happen, girl you gonna show the world that something good can work and it can work for you.
And you know that it will.
Let's get this started girl, we're moving up we're moving up It's been alot to change but you will always get what you want.
Took a little time to make it a little better,
it's only going out, just one thing and another,
you know! "

something good can work, two door cinema club

in pixels

snap..click...flash

"Someday you'll find me standing in your path
Somewhere deep in the background of some photograph
And you'll see your name scrawled across the overpass"

across the overpass, the solids

--

once again i found myself walking

i was listening to matt pond pa's city song

humming to myself: "in the city you must make yourself light, in the city you don't have to decide sometimes check yourself make sure you're alive"

it was a windy day, leaves swirling around me, my cheeks were ruddy

walking around with a smile on my face

fall has always been my friend

a little bit of this and that...

1 chicken sandwich and a handful of chicken nuggets later i am feeling happy, thank you chick-fil-a for making my friday deeeeelightful

i miss my straight hair, i am a walking hairball, all tangled up and clumped together.

passion pit rocks my socks off

itchy throat, stuffy nose, my dear bed, tomorrow i'm afraid that it's just going to be you, me , a handful of pills, a good book and a bottle of orange juice.

have a nice weekend...

----

flying high

2010

---

There's something else
I thought about
The universe
When it's merciful

How should I know
After wringing out my memory
And all that my hands send away
Oh, riffling for a stem to find an answer I knew

kansai, ra ra riot

i've been thinking...

vietnam

2010

----

baby brother is getting married while i on the other hand is seriously thinking of getting a bike

time's a changing...

yesterday was a day of reflection, of self realization

i think i am not cut out to be a teacher anymore.

time's a wasting

---

i am listening to arcade fire's wake up while i am typing this up

"children wake up, hold your mistake up

before they turn the summer into dust"

"children don't grow up our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up"

is it speaking to you?

---

religion and the 4 year old mind

a little more and you can touch the sky

penang hill

2010

------

sofia (age 4) does the sign of the cross then she looks at the other children at her table and said that's the only thing God taught her.

religion and kids, that was my monday.

---

"Have I
ever told you before
I think you're beautiful when
you're sleeping?
I have faith you watch me in
my slumber, too.
If I'm
all that you're looking for,
tell me,
why is there a river streaming
down your face?
Sometimes makes me wonder
all about your
love.

After some time
it's something i find true. Love's
not a grave, it won't decay
on you.
Too many days I was afraid
of love."

-love, love, love

as tall as lions

re-discovery

saturday

just watched a documentary about nick drake on tv.

so now i am listening to nick drake while the rain goes "pitter patter" against the window

his music makes me want to take a walk in the rain, it reminds me of chilly october evenings

his songs makes me want to ride a bike

i am feeling nostalgic

----

penang, malaysia

dusk

2010

---

"why you leave me hanging on a star?

when you deem me so high"

"why you leave me sailing in a sea?

when you hear me so clear"

-hanging on a star, nick drake

positivity

phuket

2010

-----

never underestimate the power of kiddie germs. i learned that lesson the hard way on wednesday when i found myself with a temperature of 100 degrees.

overheard last week:

"i had a bagel with a lot of butter

you'll explode if you had that much butter"

salvador, age 4

"my dentist would be mad if i had that kind of breakfast"

sofia, age 4

while waiting for his ride, rex (age 4) looks up at the sky and told me that he loves rain because rain makes the flowers grow.

everyday i hear something new :)

christmas in the philippines -- i can't wait

have a nice weekend.

----

dependency

there is a fine line between chaos and stability and everyday we are treading on it

october 2010

-----

today's highlight: after reluctantly admitting to someone that i am so dependent on my gps and when i finally convinced myself that i can leave it at home and wean myself from it, i MISSED my exit (my biggest fear). but then after a short freak out i managed to find my way through the crazy downtown sacramento streets and made it home safe and sound. hooray for independence!!

---

constant rotation:

oh, la - ra ra riot

"I wouldn't say the word now but this is not what I meant,
For a woman that's fallen over head and ears
And still so warm, but I'm lonely too,
Suddenly she is still and says, "I hope that things will be better here."

Oh la we've got a lot to learn from each other,
We've got to stick together.
Oh la we've got a lot to learn from each other,
We've got to stick together"

it's automatic

this weekend:

i saw a car on fire

i spent most of the time driving and paying tolls on bridges

i had my quota for cheesecakes

i sang songs while driving over the speed limit

right now:

my tv is on mute while i am listening to MGMT's time to pretend

it seems like my neighbor upstairs is doing a construction music

my head hurts from watching french movies all afternoon

i am thinking of pancakes, eggs and bacon

tomorrow:

i will wake up and hit the snooze button twice

i will remember to look at the good in every situation

will be a good day...

------

2010

phuket

------

"This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute."

MGMT, time to pretend

affirmation

mental vacation

phuket, 2010

----

today was a good day and have a 4 year old boy with wild curly hair to thank.

yesterday i found myself questioning my career choice (i seem to do that a lot these days) but seeing a 4 year old just shaking with excitement in the possibility of counting a long chain of beads that are (according to him) is "BIGGER than you nicole, and it's BIGGER than the school" made me so happy that i totally forgot the funk that i was in, that is until another boy locked all the bathrooms from the inside just in time when another boy had to go really bad. i guess you can't have it all...

ra ra riot is my new love

-----

greetings from I Street

hello from another apartment, another address, another zip code

hello fall, summer was nice but it was getting old.

hello sweaters and tights, hello scarves and chilly mornings

hello new neighborhood, walking while listening to good music -- it's been a while since i did that and oh how i miss it

hello new routine, getting up early and trying not to doze off at 8:00 at night to no avail.

hello to listening to ra ra riot, discovery, pinback, kings of leon and mates of state while driving to work

hello feelings of inadequacies, hello to new children who, i hope someday will have a place in my heart.

hello to wishing for great things.

hello inspiration...

------

kuala lumpur

august 2010

----

Outside just killing time and making noise
And outside the daylight comes, the daylight goes and weightless
If its weightless it makes no stairways to stairs that go nowhere
and don’t dream, that is a dream it is what it seems

Climbing from over stimulated states to hearing
Cold radio and licenses plates but don’t dream,
That is a dream it is what it seems
That is a dream it is what it seems

Behind every desire is another one waiting to be liberated when the first ones sated

-weightless, nada surf

sayonara nostalgia

bittersweet
last walk of the year...
061710


buckets and buckets of tears
multiple hugs and "i will miss yous"
6 months from now i will just be a vague memory. miss a---? a teacher from the past that took them for walks, held their hands and read them stories.
"please keep in touch" an empty promise that i know too well.

on a happier note, i am excited for the big change in my life. i feel like the timing is just right. i am nervous and giddy with anticipation at the same time. slowly but surely i feel like i am back to where i was 5 years ago.

homeward bound in 12 days

on repeat: kings of leon and phoenix

----
"i change shapes just to hide in this place but i am still an animal"
miike snow
animal

fast forward in slo mo...

"Let’s get out of this country
I’ll admit I am bored with me
I drowned my sorrows and slept around
When not in body at least in mind
We’ll find a cathedral city
You can convince me I am pretty"

let's get out of this country, camera obscura

---

spending my weekends putting my life (once again) in boxes...

"goodbye is hard, i prefer see you later" - charlie brown

3 more days until school ends, i spend most of my days hugging the children instead of giving lessons. today i was holding back my tears while i was watching them. sentimental is the theme of this month. on the other hand, in less in a month i will be back home. after 4 years i am coming home. excited does not even begin to describe what i am feeling. but until then there are boxes needed to be stuffed, old letters to be thrown out, memories to be made and numerous hugs to be given.

i am officially addicted to glee.

----
asian art museum
april 2010
san francisco

if you look closely, the answer is there...

---

"ben you don't know anything about life!!!"
exclaimed by an exasperated d
5.14.2010

"b, what is life?"
"life is what makes us happy"
5.14.2010

for all the times when we feel like we are cornered
for all those moments when we feel like we are the only ones suffering
for those days and nights when we just want to be alone
for those instances when we just want to scream and holler at the heavens
just remember that life is good, life is what (and it should) makes us happy and even though there are times when we feel like we don't know anything in life rest assured that you are not alone.

"i am happy because you are in this world :)" evie, age 6

---
self portrait
may 2010
<<<<

Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanted
To be haunted

The water is warm
But it’s sending me shivers
A baby is born
Crying out for attention

The memories fade
Like looking through a fogged mirror
Decision to decisions are made
And not bought,
But I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot.
I guess not

-kids, MGMT

follow the arrow...

i have spent too much time worrying about trivial things, waiting for phone calls, second guessing myself and thinking that having someone "special" defines me as a person. this time i can truly say that i am happy with myself, i am satisfied with my life, i am surrounded by people who i love and who loves me back. their love is enough to last me a lifetime. what more could i ask for?

--------
dizzying heights
4//25/10
-------
fools
the don't know
what they're on about
those fools
don't get my dreams

and I want it, I want it, I want it
and I want it, I want it, I want it
all
when you can't wait
to watch me fall
-fools, the temper trap

love letter

good morning
belmont, ca
may 1, 2010

--------
things that make you go ummm...

"ms. a, can i be your daddy?"
- jonas (3)
( it sounds creepy yet funny at the same time)

after 3 years of teaching in my current school i finally decided to move on. my heart breaks a little every time i think of leaving my children. they drive me crazy sometimes but most of the time i just feel this overwhelming love for them. my class will always have a very special place in my heart. 10, 15, 30 years from now they will still be very dear to me. they were the first group of children i have ever taught in my entire life. they gave me a sense of accomplishment, a taste of what it feels like to be needed and be loved unconditionally. in a sense i needed them more that they needed me. my wish is for them to grow up to be loving, respectful and compassionate adults. i feel happy that in some way or another i have made an impact in their lives. i want them to remember me as someone who made a difference in their lives because they definitely made a difference in mine. they taught me patience, kindness, love and a sense of wonder and for that i am grateful.

after christmas:

julia (6)
"ms a, did you get any presents for christmas?"

me
"umm..no"

julia runs up to me and hugs me very tightly
"now you have 1 present"

love, pass it on...

-------

"and when i think of you and all the love that's due
i'll make a promise, i'll make a stand
'cause to these big brown eyes
this comes as no surprise
we've got the whole wide world in our hands

advice to the young at heart
soon we will be older
when we're gonna make it work"

advice for the young at heart, tears for fears

in transit

oceania
by: D
san mateo, ca
4/20/10

"I'm in transit
But I'm stranded on this boat
And I pledge myself allegiance
To a better night's sleep at home"

fader, the temper trap

-------

moving again, hopefully this time it won't be as painful as the previous 9. 10 years, 9 addresses, you do the math.
just when i thought "this could work out, it's not that bad", i find myself thinking...dispose or keep?
boxes, boxes and more boxes
3 posts in a month, my my we are making progress here

sweet disposition

hello,

all day long this has been a constant repeat inside my head. i am reminded of sunny days, road trips and ice cold beer.

also a lovely new discovery. summer is just around the corner :)

simple things like these makes me happy. at this very moment i feel like everything is where it's supposed to be. today is a good day.

i hope you are happy too...

---------

wired
april 2010

a thought bubble

"you can't marry your daddy or your cousin, you should marry a stranger" -Angelina, 5 years old

goofing around
washington, dc 2005
the will to my grace, my spare tire :)

---------------

i have been thinking a lot about the past recently. it's that time of the year when i start listening to 90s rock and reminisce about the past. i find myself reading my old journals before i go to bed. it has been an interesting experience--going back in time. my 30 year old self reading about my 20 year old self's dreams and frustrations, not to mention opinions about love and my future. if i have a chance to meet the younger nicole i would assure her that everything turned out fine and that in the end all those meaningless worries and fears were just that...meaningless. i would also tell her that 30 is not as bad as she might think, yes i still live in an apartment and watch a lot of television, sometimes i eat a cupcake for breakfast or eat cereal for dinner and yes i am still single but i have finally come to accept the fact that it is okay. i would tell her that you will meet a person that would break your heart so bad that all you would want to do is lie in bed and disappear. i would tell her to hug lola 10 times more and tell her i love you instead of i hate you. i would tell her to keep her faith and not be scared to take risks and finally i would give her a big hug and thank her for never giving up hope despite all the curve balls life has thrown at her.

SOS

they say everyday you learn something new. today i learned not to paint my toes while sitting on the floor and putting your red (and I can't emphasize it enough) RED nail polish on top of your laptop because chances are your left hand will knock it over thus spilling RED nail polish on your semi clean white carpet. after the initial panic i then proceeded to pour nail polish remover on the stain and scrubbing it with a paper towel. nail polish remover was not enough i then sprayed bleach and used a sponge to try to get the stain out. Instead of going away the stain became this huge blotchy thing and i think i am a little bit high from the fumes. So now my bedroom looks like a crime scene with a huge red stain on the floor. it looks like i killed a chihuahua while in a drug induced hallucination. no excuse me while i go find something to eat i have a serious case of the munchies. until then...

----------

"When I get up in the morning, put the kettle on
Make us some coffee, say hey to the sun
Is it enough to write a song, and sing it to the birds
They'd hear just the tune, not understand my love for words
But you would hear me and know...

I want only this
I want to live
I want to live a simple life "

-simple life, the weepies