last day of 2002, and i'm at work dozing off, i've been pretty bad with the updates lately, i'm having the annual attack of the winter blues so most of the time i'm just staring at the ceiling with tori amos in my cd player. i thought i was doing pretty okay up until these past couple of weeks when everything came crashing down again, i've been neglecting my paper journal also, so my little blog don't feel bad it's not you mommy's just having one of her "episodes". i'm going have run down of the stuff that happened to me for the past two months that i was in hiatus from blogger and i must warn you reading this might cause severe boredom, so have a paper cup ready in case you find yourself drooling

november
november flew by pretty quickly, november is usually the month that kills my checking account. november also marked my return to "young adulthood" by way going out to drink and then puking my brains out, so far that was just a fluke because now i'm back to my old ways (eating ramen noodles and vegging in front of the tv). november also meant shorter working hours for us here in the office, i had a month of regis and kelly that would last me a lifetime. thanksgiving is also celebrated on this festive month, we had a week off from work so i hopped on the plane to visit my family in florida, ahhh the deep south, there is no better way to spend your vacation than eating at all you can eat restos and stuffing yourself with artery clogging food. the weather was pretty chilly (i was expecting miami like weather but i forgot they lived in pensacola which is closer alabama and lousiana so i brought the wrong outfits doh! need a lesson in geography) but i'm sure glad i missed the snow storm in dc. i had a pretty good time there, it was fun hanging out with my cousins i was really sad when i went home, up to now i still miss them and i hope to visit them again one of these days, or better yet hope we could all fly back to the philippines in may.

december
december meant nicole frantically buying christmas gifts. for three weekends straight i was at the mall fighting my way through racks and racks of clothing. it was crazy! so now i've learned my lesson, that is to buy stuff online and as much as possible start christmas shopping in october, people have this crazed look in their eyes it's scary, they look like they're in some kind of a christmas trance i'm now scarred for life. i made it just in time for our "christmas party", i'm glad my friends liked their gifts, after all i risked getting trampled by hordes of eager shoppers so they better appreciate it. christmas eve rolled in and i found myself alone in my apartment, and for the first time since god knows when i started to cry and bawl like a new born babe, maybe it was the snow or the idea that i was spending christmas alone that made the tears flow, i didn't even have food to eat except a week old ham! lol i find it funny now but at that time i was so sad that i started to hate christmas (blasphemy!) and also my friends, for leaving me behind, kind of pathetic but i truly felt that way, however in hindsight i'm glad i spent christmas eve alone, it made me appreciate my family even more and made me realize that there's nothing wrong with solitude, it's a nice change of pace from all the craziness and drama.

so that's about it, 2003 is just 9 hours away, this year has been good to me got a lot to be thankful for, i was able to go home for the first time since i came to the states, i got introduced and met new people that i now consider my friends, i moved to dc and i'm 10x happier and healthier (it's all the walking i have to do), i started taking classes and became excited about learning again and finally i now see my being unattached as a blessing instead of a curse, i value my independence for it made stronger and more resilient. for 2003 my hopes are: to travel more, start studying again, learn a craft or two, do volunteer work, buy a laptop and just embrace life with optimism and reckless abandon. have a safe and wonderful holiday. i just wish all of you the best and take care always. i'll be back next year!!! cheers!!

This is what gets me through the day

Saturday, October 12, 2002

Saturday night and I'm at home eating ramen noodles, is that how it's supposed to be? I'm 22 years old and living away from home in a foreign country you should think that I'm living a pagan lifestyle, party all night and sleep all day but it's the exact opposite I'm usually asleep at 11 pm and wake at 9 to watch my cartoons I'm regressing I could relate more to 9 year olds than to 22 year olds, at least with the kiddies I'm cool, because I could talk about Sponge Bob Squarepants and Dexter's Laboratory without feeling silly I couldtotally relate with them. On the other hand when I'm with people my age I can be a total dork, case in point: earlier this evening while wating for the elevator, my crush from 5th floor was there, he was just standing there and I couldn't even talk properly to my roomie I was all like "duh..err..hehehe" I was blushing and he wasn't even talking to me sad...I couldn't look him straight in the eye, opportunity knocked and I didn't have the guts to grab it...totally ignored it,

My gosh it's the end of September already and I'm planning to go home again in January so that's like in 3 months! I haven't filed my vacation yet I do hope that they will let me have it, I mean I haven't missed work and I've been coming in on time and I usually leave the office after 5 so basically I've been a pretty good employee (well except for the whole long distance thing hehehehe). So yey! I'm pretty excited, Vans is also going home so I'm sure we're gonna have a blast, the gang is complete again, the last time we were all together was senior year in college and those were such fun times. In October I will start my computer classes at the it will be on the 10th, I can't wait I haven't been in a classroom for two years so I'm all psyched. Basically, I decided to do it because I figured might as well grab the opportunity, I don't really use my brain at work and when I go home I usually plop down in front of the telly and zone out, I might as well zone out in a classroom...

I'm still buzzing from the John Mayer concert, it was cool to finally see him play live and I don't care if most of the audience were younger than me I enjoyed it and the songs really hits home.

I just had chinese food and now I'm ready to take a nap. This is going to be a long day. I used to love summers, back when I had nothing to do all day but watch TV. Summer isn't really summer once you're done with school, it's just another season, like fall or spring. Just wanted to get that off my chest...back to work

I've come to a realization, I was comforting a friend of mine who was quite frustrated about her life. She tried to enroll in a local community college, but was discouraged when she saw how much it was per unit, since she lives in DC she is not qualified for in-state tuition, she is left with two possible solutions it's either she moves back to Virginia or take fewer units to alleviate the cost. If she does decides to move back to VA there is really no turning back for her, she has to look for a new place even buy a car, however if she takes some classes and suddenly realize that it was not meant for her (going back to school that is) it will be a waste of money. I feel really bad for her, it was a big step, taking control of your life, but it wasn't meant to be, maybe there are better and bigger opportunities for her, it really depends on how you look at it really it all comes down to the half-empty half-full way of thinking. I've talked to her about it and tried to make the glass half-full, I told her that there are a lot of things that we could still do, and probably going back to school will tie us down from doing it. I mean I still dream of travelling to far away places, and if I go back to school all my finances will be directed to paying my tuition, books and housing. I've figured that I will do it next year while I'm still single and still have month long paid vacations, that I should enjoy life and not think about monetary matters since I am only 22 and there are a lot more important things in life than money. It's funny how priorities shift all of a sudden, how your perspectives change just by one incident that happened to you indirectly. For the first time in two years, I see a glass that is half full.

Well all the moving stuff is done, I'm officially an urbanite (hahaha that's what my ex-roomie calls me now) So now I'm getting used to my new routine, which is very relaxed, I leave the apartment at 8:20 and it takes me about 20 minutes to get to the train station, I get to the office before 9 check my emails and start working. The only thing I hate in these long walks to the metro is the heat, by the time I reach the office I'm all sweaty and sticky (not a good way to start the day), I could handle the heat but the humidity just kills me (literally and figuratively lol). Speaking of painful deaths, I feel like I'm wasting away at the office, I am not challenged by my job, however, I can't just quit especially with the stock market situation here in the states, and there is also the thing called my visa. So I'm afraid I'm stuck here until a really good opportunity pops up (anybody interested in rescuing me?) When I was a kid I thought that being adult is very simple, finish school, find a job, get married, have kids,retire but once I got here it's more like pray to God that you pass college, find a job, find a job, find a job, work, work, work I guess your age is directly proportional to the frustrations you had/will encounter, being an adult is so overrated.

Been busy, busy with work which is good because my life makes sense again! *sarcasm*, busy with all the moving and packing, busy with unpacking, busy as a bumble bee. My cousin's wedding is tomorrow and I feel bad about missing it. Everybody went home to the Philippines except for me, I just don't have the money for plane fare and the timing isn't right (it's always about timing), since I just got back from vacation and also my lease ends this month, so even if I'm there my mind will still be thinking about rent and bills. The weather here in the east coast is f--ed up, one minute it's bright and sunny, the next minute it's all cloudy, rainy and muggy. I don't know what to write in this online blogger thing, just reading other people's blogs makes me rethink about the decision of getting one. Most blogs that I read are witty and funny, I guess I'm just trying too hard. Oh well if there are any people (maybe 0ne or two of you) reading this blog, please bear with me I'm new to this, feedbacks would be nice...promise I won't bite =)

*Sigh* hear that? that's relief for ya, my roomie made it back to the U.S. unscathed and I could finally enjoy my vacation in NY on Friday, I'm telling you you gotta have faith, God always comes through and so far my track record is pretty good and I don't want to be so cocky and jinx it oh well que sera sera. Nino spent the weekend here in DC we took him out saturday, we did the usual touristy suff like go to the White House, The Mall, Monuments and we made him walk, since we don't have a car he was forced to walk, it was good though because we had an excuse to pig out, and pig out we did it was a weekend of dust, heat and food kinda reminds me of the Philippines hehehehe...Today's hump day Thursday is Independence Day and I think we might take Friday off too, they haven't made the annoucement yet but they said that it was pretty sure, I guess they don't want us to make plans that's why they're all hush hush stupd government people. Hmmm..whatelse? I'm just trying to get through the day, I still have 3 more hours to go and I'm not looking forward to walking home, it's an oven out there it's like 95 degrees but the heat index is like 105! man I just have to leave the apartment at 7 then get a chance to cool off before going back to Virginia, I'm from the tropics but this is too much at least there in the PI I have a car and even if I get stuck in traffic I still have AC, *sigh* well summer time is here finally.

Argh! it's me again griping about the whole roommate thing, now word from her and I'm forced to pay the rent in full!! I tapped into my swiss bank account a.k.a. my savings so that I could pay it. Oh well, I hope that she made it or else...Nino is coming tomorrow!! I'm so excited, we're picking him up from Reagan at 1 pm I still have to do a lot of stuff like pack and try cleaning the apartment I also need to pick up the aero bed from my aunt's place, because up to now I still don't have a bed, I can't afford it (but I can afford to go to NY for the weekend) a girl just have to know how to prioritize and so far having fun and being with my friends is on top of my list instead of a buying stupid bed heheheheheh bad nikki

Well, well it's been a while ince I've updated, my roomie is currently in Canada, getting her G4 visa from the American consulate there so now that I've got the covered let me give a sigh of relief *sigh* and the only thing that we're waiting now is that could she come back to DC in time, which I have a feeling that she might hmmm...so far my instincts are correct, so I'll think I'll go with that. I'm currently broke, and my friend from Michigan is coming to visit us on Saturday (then we'll be heading off to NY on the 4th of July weekend) and that means tapping my savings for some spending money and using my trusty old visa, this will set me back for like a couple of months, but hey we're only young once and it's just money right?? uh? right? *sigh* I'm just trying to convice myself oh well it's working *grins*

So the good news is I got the apartment, we already signed the lease and paid the first month's rent, me and my roommate were already discussing what to do with the decorations and stuff, how to make our place look more than a a dorm room but a cozy apartment, and then I got the bad news. She called me last night and told me if I knew anyone from the Canadian Embassy or the State Department, apparently she was denied a Canadian visa (she needs to go out to Canada so that could issue her a G4 visa), so now everything is in limbo and I could end up roommate-less and penniless hmmm..why does it always happen to me???? I know it was too good to be true...well weird thing is if confronted with this dilemma I would curse and whine and be a big baby, well that was then, now I feel calm, cool and composed well maybe because it really hasn't hit me (i might start to panic once July hits and she's still visa-less), I just feel that if it's bound to happen it's bound to happen, I really couldn't do anything about it it wouldn't also do me any good if I run around panicking I would just end up stressed out which I don't want to I'm pretty sure that everything will work out for the best. Just gotta have a little faith

Ack! I'm really stressed out right now, last Tuesday I went ot look at this place in DC, the location was nie it was near to the metro, restaurants and the church it was/is perfect and to top it all off I have a roommate so the cost of living alone will no longer be in an issue. However they still ned to verify my employment, and requested a letter from our HR department, anyhoo I asked the person in charge of that if she could make me one, and she sid okay--that was yesterday and today she is out sick and the manager of the apartment building called me up and asked me about the letter because they have to make a decision and that my roommate already faxed hers, so now I have up to 6 pm to submit it to them. You don't know how it is here in the office a simple letter could take like 1 week to finish all the red tape you have to go through, all the incompetent people you have to deal with. It's just one lousy, stinking letter! so you know what I did, I wrote it myself and know I'm hoping that our supervisor will sign it or that if there are any corrections needed to be made, I would be informed a.s.a.p so that I would be able to make any changes and fax it. It's sooooo frustrating!!!! sometimes I just want to scream at them, no wonder employee morale is very low and that people here at the office are not motivated to work this sucks ass! argh!!!!!! I'm hoping that I could beat the deadline or else I would have to forfeit the place why oh why did it have to happen to me??? I know it's a pretty shallow thing to be upset with but I've had it up to here with this people, they always do this to me I feel like I've been shortchanged oh well don't blame me if I slack off work I'm just unmotivated...

Man we should have long weekends makes me feel rejuvinated to go back to work (yeah right)...I spent my Memorial Day Weekend doing some laundry, eating a lot of pizza and boating. Sunday we had a picnic at Pohick Bay in Lorton, VA typical Filipino party tons of people and tons of food the weather was perfect also, it's just one of those days that makes you wan to scream "I love life!". Monday I just stayed at home and catched up on sleazy talk shows, I couldn't stand watching some of them (well maybe I flipped back and forth I was a bit curious), where do they get these people? Anyway, me and friend we're talking about taking some classes in the local community college, and I got really excited I never realized how much I missed school and never imaginedthat I could miss school this much, I guess being stuck in a job that does not really require a lot of brain power makes you thirst for knowledge and it also does not help that when I get home from work I plop myself on the couch and watch TV. My parents say I always talk about going back to school but don't do anything about it I'm not getting younger and I believe now is the time to act on it, I'm all talk no action. I'm taking control of my life.

I just read my post and i sound really pathetic..and dumb..pretentious too oh well like anybody reads this anyway

Bored out of mind here at work, nothing to do it's just been so slow, I've come to a point that I just get up in the morning and ride the subway and come here to surf the web it's not helping me develop at all, I wish I could put all this "extra time" into good use instead of staring at the monitor for 8 hours a day. So so bored...bored of being bored....
An idle mind breeds idle thoughts..Boredom Kills...

I'm trying to call a friend of mine in Michigan, he keeps giving me these numbers that are either disconnected or is no longer in service hmmm..is he trying to tell me something?

My apartment hunting last Saturday was unsuccessful, I mean we did see some really awesome places but they were too expensive for me and my friend. I guess one option would be for me to just live alone and rent out a studio or a basement or something, since my friend could not make up her mind whether or not she will give up her place and also she still has to consider her roommate, it's getting complicated and I think for my peace of mind as well as theirs, living alone would be an option. Being alone would not be that bad, right now I'm practically living by myself since my roommate is either over at her bf's place or just sleeping for 24 hours straight. Oh well whatever will be will be. Anyhoo, work is still the same I'm still counting the minutes it's been pretty slow, it's becasue the students are all having their summer vacations and also the deadline for Fall 2002 is over, it will pick up again in August (argh!). Basically right now I'm just getting paid to surf the net, so it's a win-win situation. Well that's about it fr now..more updates later...

Oh well time to update again, is it May already? man the month went by so fast. I'm at work right now been working like a dog the entire morning and now I'm stuck with nothing to do, I have an hour more to go before I leave and meet up with my friends in Georgetown. I'm still looking for a place to move in to my lease will end soon and so far no leads, some are just too expensive for my budget I'm looking for an apartment that is near the metro so that i won't have to drive to work or take the bus, the housing market her is so competitive and I'm hoping that I could find a place before getting kicked out from my apartment. Anywayse, last weekend was okay I just stayed at home the weather was so nice so I just chilled at my balcony with a really good book and excellent music, life couldn't get any better than that..i think

Lunch at work always makes me miss my friends. I've been working here for a year now and I could count in one hand the times that my co-workers invited me for lunch. My office reminds me of highschool all these cliques, too afraid let people in their little groups, scared of changes, intimidated by someone who is different from them. I am an outsider. However, I don't take it personally, is it just me but eating leftovers for lunch alone inside your cubicle makes you miss you friends terribly.

Still unable to talk, our apartment is like an oven! I turned on the AC last night, middle of the night I was freezing, and it didn't help that I was coughing all night. Anyhoo my day is okay can't complain, the weather is beautiful it's in the near 90's and work is not that hectic compared to last week. I had quite a weekend, first of all I was sick and second I went cosmic bowling despite my illness. A friend of mine picked me up from my house at around 8 pm, I was supposed to meet him at 4 but I called him to cancel because I wasn't feeling too good and also they were planning to go to a Lingerie Party (and wanted to drag me) which would be really bad (for me anywayse) because they were all guys and I am the only female presence. So anyway he called at around 7 and told me to get ready because he's gonna pick me up, and so he did. We went bowling at around 10 pm the bowling alley was packed but we managed to secure a lane. Bowled for a bit, lost because my partner choked in the last minute we were leading but then he just completely choked! hehehehe. After bowling we went to Bethesda because one of the guys wanted to go dancing, so someone suggested to go to the Barking Dog when we got there it was already 1:00 so we had some drinks and just hanged out 'till closing and by the way the music there sucks! it felt like a Junior High Dance with all the songs they played like Jackson 5, The Village People, even Grease! We left at about 2:30 and my friends were like man we should go to the lingerie party so off we go to try to find the house, well bad directions made us miss the party, am sure they were dispappointed (not seeing some babes in sexy lingerie) I on the other hand was thanking the heavens.

I still can't breathe properly, I was awakened this morning by this sound, it sounded like somebody was snoring, and guess who it was??? it was me! Yep due to the congested nasal passages I woke myself up with my own snoring, instead of my alarm, what a great way to start the day! Anyway the weather is still crappy, and I was thinking about the whole roommate issue, I talked to my friend last night and she was still undecided, and I also asked myself that question, should I also take the next step? should I also go back to school? I defintely want to go back to school but because I don't have enough savings and my family is not well-off I'm forced to sit on my butt 9 hours a day, seven days a week, doing such mind numbing tasks, it's all routine now, my 4 year college education has gone down the drain. I'm really confused right now part of me wants to go back to the PI and continue my studies there and another part of me says that I should stay here, continue working and saving up then go back to school and become a teacher. It's like if I go home all my efforts (finding a job, being on my own) was just a waste of time and if I stay here it feels like I'm not going anywhere, I'm just gonna be stuck here doing the same job 'till I retire. Some people might say that's I'm still young, (22) and that I still have time to do all the things I want to do, I know that, but I just feel scared that if I keep on telling myself that I would, wake up one day and realize that the 22 year old girl is now an old, wrinkly and miserable woman.

Ayayay I hate being sick. My roommate was sick last week so I guess she passed her germs to me ugh! So anyway my lease ends this coming July and I'm already starting looking for a new place, since my current rent is quite steep and also I'm really not sure if I want to be roommates with my current one, it's a long story don't get me wrong she's a very dear friend but in my opinion she's not roomie material. Well my other friend and I were talking about rooming together, we were pretty excited about it. However when I went home to the Philippines her mom told me that she was planning to move to California this June and go to school there and I was like what?! I knew she was thinking about it, but I didn't know that she's starting this June. I talked to her Monday and I asked her if we're still going to be roommates and she was like "ummm..I'm not sure I might go back to school" and I asked her when are you planning to do that, she was like I don't know. It's soooooo frustrating, she doesn't even know what to take up, she doesn't even know when, she even told me that we can still be roomies but then she might leave so she will find someone who will replace her argh! well that's an okay idea but I don't want to be left hanging so anyway I told her that I'll just look for my own place and she should have told me earlier about that. Well she knows I'm a bit pissed, I'm just annoyed and sick.

It's been a week since I left the Philippines and gosh how I miss it!

I just came back from my vacation yesterday and now I'm back to work. I was supposed to arrive here on Monday the 25th but due to unavoidable cirsumstances (it's all Northwest's fault!) I was delayed and was forced to sepnd a night in Minneapolis. My vacation was fantastic, I was able to spend time with the family and ofcourse my friends. Our town is still the same, same old people, but a lot of things also changed the mere fact that all my friends are working now made me realize how I hated being an adult. I guess I just expected too much from them and didn't really put into consideration that they have other priorities other than partying and hanging out, but I could really feel that they really tried to spend a lot of time with me and I appreciate that. I'm also happy because in the short time that I was there I was able to bond with my dad again, I haven't seen him and two years and it was such a good feeling to hang out with him and just talk to him. Sad to say I got bored, I guess just staying at home and watching TV made a bit restless but then now that I'm here even if it's been only 3 days I feel a tinge of homesickness, I guess it will pass but how I wish that I could have stayed there a little bit longer or even for good. I know that I have a good future here in the states, and that I'm lucky to have a job and to have a support system here in Virginia, I guess I just have to be strong, what does not kill you only makes you stronger right??

It's Valentine's Day and I forgot about it, I almost wore red and I suddenly realized that it's the 14th and I really don't want to wear red on a holiday that thrives on anything red (crimson, pink or whatever). I guess being single, makes you forget such events it's not a big deal aywayse what makes Valentine's day special to me is that it is my Grandma's birthday. My "lola" who in my opinion is one of the greatest cooks there is, my lola whose homecooking I miss, my lola who would allow me to cut classes and go with her to play mah jong (my mom caught me btw and I was severly punished), my lola who is such a complex person but I love her anywayse, my lola who is sick right now and I'm praying for her to get well really soon, my lola who I will see and hug again on Monday. Happy Birthday Lola thanks for everything=)..and to all you people out there Happy Heart's Day! =) I'm out

Four more days and counting, I can't believe that this coming Saturday I will be on a plane en route to the Philippines. I wasn't even sure that I could go home, there was something wrong with my ID number in the state department and they were not sure if I could travel outside of the U.S., but fortunately it was all cleared out and now I'm all set to go home. Work has been stressful this couple of weeks my computer had a virus so I really couldn't do anything at all, I'm using another person's computer, so that I could do some of my research and finish my work but lookie here I'm blogging! hehehehehe. Anywayse, I'm not sure if i could update my blog while in the Philippines (as if anybody reads my blogs!) but I'll try to check in once in a while and try to update. Four more days and I'm homeward bound =) woo-hoo!!!

I finally watched the Fellowship of the Ring last night, and I found it quite entertaining. I was kinda annoyed because I already read the book so the element of surprise has diminished, but all in all it was a pretty cool movie. I won't elaborate on that because I'm sure the people are all sick and tired of reading about the Hobbits and the Elves. So that was my evening nothing exciting but it's the lastest (11 pm) I've been out since God knows when, I'm getting old I'm telling ya. I guess I'm just reserving my energy, because I have a feeling that when I go back to the PI sleep would be a luxury, so until then I'll just be a hermit and lock myself in my apartment

My mom left last Friday and things are slowly returning back to normal. My apartment is quiet now, and I'm once again alone. We had a pretty good time, we were able to go up to New York and see old friends. I did not cry at all it was not what I expected it to be, I was okay with her leaving me, I got used to being alone. I'm a thousand miles away from my family, it's been almost two years since I left the Philippines and in less than a month I'm going home. I'm finally going home and it's such a wonderful feeling to be able to finally say that.